Honeymooners

As we approach our 2 month wedding anniversary, we have been answering the questions "How's the newlywed life?" and "How's the honeymoon phase?" quite often. Our honest answer? "Not at all like we expected!" 

Since our honeymoon, we have been working opposite shifts, so we only get to see each other on the weekends...not ideal. We have also unfortunately experienced 2 unexpected deaths on my side of the family and 1 on her side in the last 2 weeks. Spending our "honeymoon phase" in funeral attire, wasn't exactly what we envisioned on our happy wedding day. 

Today, we spent 2 hours together as we attended the funeral of Cecil's Uncle Steve, as I was dropping her off at work afterwards it really hit me how quickly we had to lean on the vows we just shared less than 2 months ago. If you were at our wedding ceremony, you know that we had silly and serious vows, unfortunately we haven't had much of a chance to carry out the silly vows yet, but honestly our love for each other has only grown stronger through this grieving process. Cecil has already had to fulfill this promise:  "I promise to do my best to look through your tough-as-nails demeanor and to know when you need me the most." and I have already had to fulfill this promise: "I promise to be by your side as we take on this crazy world, as a team."

This week, we have already and will again spend time with family members that chose not to attend our wedding due to their beliefs, and if the last few weeks have taught us nothing else, we don't have time to be bitter about that. We have also already and will again spend time with family members that love and support us fully. Today, while surrounded by Cecil's family, we felt nothing but love and happiness about us attending together as a married couple. 

Is this how we expected to spend our first two months of marriage? Absolutely not. Would I rather have anyone else by my side? Absolutely not. We are getting ready to celebrate Thanksgiving together, I go back to day shift next week and we are looking forward to settling into that unknown territory called the "honeymoon phase". 

Life is crazy, messy and unexpected. 
I've repeated this multiple times the last few weeks, but seriously, hug your loved ones tight, mend broken ties, and most importantly, tell people how much they mean to you.
 You only get this one life, make it count. 

Mourning Masters

I started this blog a few years ago, during a very rocky time in my life, to help me work through the emotional pieces of rebuilding myself from the ground up. Over the years, this blog has been a place for me to spill my stories, happy or sad. When I look at the last published blog (7/6/14) I realize that maybe I stopped needing this blog to share my stories, because I was too busy living those stories out with the love of my life. The last year has been FULL of happy things, moving, wedding planning, friends, family, adventures, a new church, friends weddings, our wedding and honeymoon. I could write for days and never capture all of the happy feelings since my last post, everything was going swimmingly, until it wasn't.

A few weeks ago, a distant cousin of mine laid her beautiful 17 year old daughter to rest following a tragic car accident. We may not be close, but my heart went out to my family as they went through that.

Then, last week my dad and I made the difficult decision to put our 15 year old German Shepard, Sarge, to sleep. He was a regal beast that was losing his strength fast, but he lived a long life, full of love. That day was so much harder than I thought it would be. We got Sarge when I was 12 years old, more than half a lifetime ago. Off the top of my head, I can't name anything else that I still have from that age.

On Monday morning, I woke up to news that my Aunt Tammy had been taken into emergency surgery, following complications from her recent bone marrow transplant. She has been fighting Leukemia, and her battle hasn't been easy. My Uncle Gayle has always been such a great guy, my heart aches for him as he stands by her side through this tough journey. They are in North Carolina, so my cousins are taking turns flying in to be with them, while we all send our love from Illinois.

Pictured here: Our mission trip out to Pennsylvania included some family time. (2006)

On Monday night, we received more awful news. My Aunt Gina had been in a head-on collision and didn't make it. My stomach sank as I tried to imagine this world without her. Through this week, I have been reminded of just how special Gina was, as the outpouring of love has been overwhelming. She was a ray of sunshine, full of compassion, love and kindness. She could warm a room up, with just her smile, but her laugh was contagious. Although she may have seemed prim and proper on the surface, inside she was full of surprises. She has always been nothing but loving and supportive of her children, nieces and nephews. She shared her love of The Lord of the Rings series with my brother Eric when he was young. She hosted my sister-in-law's family bridal shower. She never even skipped a beat when I came out, and brought my future wife to a family function, she made Cecil feel right at home. Her children were her pride and joy, and she never missed a chance to cheer them on. As we prepare to say our final goodbye to her tonight, I can't help but wonder how our family is going to continue on without her. We were all so lucky to have Gina in our lives, she is going to be so greatly missed, by so many.

The human spirit is only designed to be able to handle so much, and our family could really use some prayers right now, because we are close to our limit. Hug your loved ones tight, mend broken ties, and most importantly tell people how much they mean to you.

Pictured here: My family at my high school senior volleyball night (10 years ago). Mind you, my Uncle Neal was in from Tennessee and my Uncle Roger, Aunt Gina, and cousins (Kelly and David) drove over 45 minutes to be there. 

Pride 2014: I'm Sorry Campaign (Complete 180, from last year!)

Our Chicago Pride 2014 experience couldn't have been more different from our 2013 experience, like, at all. Last year, our relationship was fairly new, I had recently come out to the world, we were celebrating 'us' with many of our other gay friends. (There might have been a lot of gin and Gatorade involved in the celebration, also...) We had so much fun, but we both have fuzzy parts of our 2013 Pride memories.

Chicago Pride 2013

 This year, we were asked to be a part of The Marin Foundation: I'm Sorry Campaign by my brother and his wife. My older brother has been a huge support in my LGBT journey, but even more so in my Christianity journey. He is a quality Christian that genuinely wants to make a difference, and through his open and supportive actions, has brought me back to the church. For awhile, I was fed up with today's organized religion and the way that "Christians" act. Eric encouraged me to check out his new church a couple years ago, and what I found there surprised me. This church is trying hard to change the "Christian" stereotypes, and really making a difference in their community. Literally the only problem I found with this church was that it is 45 minutes away and not practical to regularly attend, when Sunday is usually our only full day off together. We have recently started attending a equally great church, much closer to home and are happy to be growing in an open and affirming, progressive church community. When Eric explained that he was attending Pride, as a straight Christian, to apologize for the way that the church community has harmed the LGBTQ community, I was shocked, proud and totally in! We were planning on attending the parade anyway, but we were really excited to see Eric and Amber experience Pride for the first time!

Chicago Pride 2014

Attending Pride with my brother was a great experience, but the truly amazing part of the day was being a part of such a loving movement. At first, we thought it might be weird that we are gay Christians, saying sorry to other gays for how THEY have been treated, but I quickly realized that being gay and Christian is truly a testament to how we have been treated, and that we still feel loved regardless of our orientation. 

Here we are, being gay Christians.

I spent the evening before the parade making signs to say sorry. We weren't sure if we would be stationed near the protestors or if we would be in a different group, but we wanted to get the message across that we were sorry for Christians actions and that God loves everyone.We ended up being stationed down the parade route from the protestors, so our little group had it a little easier than the other group stationed in front of the protestors. (you can read about that experience here: Love is an Orientation )

Here are the signs we made. The ones on each end were the crowd favorites.

Here we are before the parade, ready to give out some free hugs and just say sorry.

The day was truly amazing, and I am so grateful that we made some connections with people. We saw many nuns, ministers, and other clergy in the parade sharing the same message, 'God loves everyone'. We had many of those same people agreeing with our signs, hugging and thanking us for our movement. Many people said things like:
"This is Pride, why are you sorry? Celebrate!" 
We heard from others:   
"Thank you for this."
"You are my favorite part of the whole parade!" 
"I love all of your faces!" 
The most common reply I heard was "I am glad you are sorry, but you need to change it. Things need to change, then you can say 'You're Welcome'." 
That reply really stuck with me. The experience was positive, and I really do feel like it served it's purpose, but does it change anything? Maybe to the people we connected with, and definitely for those of us behind that barricade, but as a whole our church community has a long way to go to bridge the gap to the LGBTQ community. I am blessed to be able to say that I have a supportive family and church, and I am super proud to be able to serve as a bridge to the bridge the Marin Foundation is trying to build.

I will definitely be joining The Marin Foundation at the 2015 Chicago Pride parade, but I also want to make an effort to be that bridge to my local LGBT community and friends, telling them I'm Sorry for the way they have been treated, and commit to living in a way that supports God's love. 

Here are a few other places you can read about this experience:
At CNN
At The Advocate
http://naytinalbert.blogspot.com/2010/06/i-hugged-man-in-his-underwear-and-i-am.html
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/loveisanorientation/2010/06/i-couldnt-be-more-proud-at-pride-you-know-in-a-humble-way-of-course/

Ass.Crack's Dad

Over the years my dad has had a lot of sayings, some silly, some serious and some just off the wall. One of those sayings has always been silly to me, but really the older I get the more I realize just how true it is. He always said, since I was little, "She looks like her mom and acts like her dad, we're all in trouble." There have been plenty of times in my life where I didn't want the second part of that to be true, but honestly I think those times mostly stemmed from us butting heads because we are so alike. 

My dad is outgoing and likes to keep busy. He lives in organized chaos, but I guarantee if you ask him where something is, he will be able to locate it no problem. He is passionate about what he believes in and his hobbies. He believes in trying new things, and not quitting before giving it a fair chance. He's a problem solver. We can't go anywhere without him running into someone he knows (which has become a regular occurrence in my life also, I think Cecil sometimes hates it.) He likes things done a certain way, and will always defend and explain his way if you don't agree. He's a little bit stubborn, a little bit bull-headed, and a whole lot sarcastic. He does things that seem spontaneous all the time, but really they are well calculated in his head (like random flowers on a Tuesday, just because). He has a giant heart, and wants the people he loves to be happy. 

He has always been a huge part of my support system, encouraging me to get outside the box and follow my dreams, even when he didn't exactly agree with them. We don't always get along, but the nice thing about my dad is that I know even when he is being unreasonable, he always has my back. Being the only girl, you would think I would be a mini version of my mom, but that silly saying has followed me all the way into adulthood. I look like my mom and I act like my dad, it's true. I am very lucky to have an amazing set of parents that each have their own way of being the best parents ever. Father's Day is just one day out of the year where I can thank my dad for being so awesome, but really I am glad to have him around the other 364 days of the year too. I probably don't say it enough, but I love you, Dad! Thanks for putting up with my stubborn, bull-headed, sarcastic butt all the time!

35 year old little nugget.

That little nugget of mine is celebrating 35 years of life today, and I couldn't be more thankful that I get to celebrate with her. Let's be honest though, if you have met the 2 of us I am honestly probably more excited to celebrate her birthday than she is. 

This time last year, we were still in the brand new phase of our relationship and she had just lost her beloved Miko. Her birthday last year was weird. A lot has happened in the last year though, and there's no way I am letting this day quietly pass by! 

This human gives so much of herself to make me happy, to make a living, and to be healthy. She is the most loyal person I have ever met, she genuinely struggles with Catholic guilt over the tiniest things, and she cares about shit that most people don't even notice. She is a human M-n-M, tough outer shell and soft on the inside. She's kind, she's passionate and she's kind of an asshole sometimes. She's sassy, sentimental, and even silly. She's the kind of person that will drop what she is doing to help someone out, but don't tell anyone that!

Last night, she fell asleep super early while I was in my 2nd Penguin Project meeting of the week, in our dining room. The night before, she went with me to Penguin Project meeting #1 at her best friend's house so she could hang out with Tiffany's dog. She gets up well before the ass crack of dawn, and 2 nights in a row, had to deal with me being tied up with my stuff during "our time" instead of spending time together. Do you think she made any shitty comments or treated me any differently because of that? Of course not, because she is the most supportive person I have ever been with. 

Today, it's her birthday and she woke up to birthday surprises, but it still doesn't make up for how accepting she has been of my hobbies cutting into our time together. Long, rambly story short: I just love this human so much and want her to feel special, so send her a message and/or come have a beer with us later at the Bisto (after dinner). She may not jump up and down when she sees you, but trust me when I say that it will mean the world to her that you are there. 

Here's to many more happy years to a person that truly deserves the best!

 

My life.

26 year old me.

Yesterday, I turned 26 and met a goal I set for myself. 

Tomorrow, I have to go get a new license and take the Rules of the Road written test. When the DMV clerk asks me if all of my demographic information is the same, I am going to be able to tell her yes, and without lying, it will match the weight that I had put on there 10 years ago when I got my very first license at 16.

That goal I set? To lose 50 pounds, which just so happens to put me back at the weight I was in high school when I was too young to care to lie about my weight. 

Over the course of my healthy lifestyle changes, I really haven't set too many solid goals. At first, the goals were just to exercise more and eat healthier. Then, I started getting more specific with training and diet expectations for myself, but I never set goals that I would achieve on the scale. The entire journey I have relied on pictures, mirrors, how my clothes were fitting and how I was feeling, to measure if I was making progress. From the time I stepped on the scale and saw my highest weight, right at 200 pounds, I didn't step on the scale again until I was noticing big changes in my body and how my clothes were fitting. Once I realized that I had lost over 20 pounds, I looked forward to the next weight loss milestones but they weren't goals with a deadline. That is until I passed the 40 pound mark this summer, less than 6 months until my birthday. I realized that my changes had become habits, I enjoyed my workouts and I figured it was time to set an actual goal, with my birthday as the deadline. Based on my weight loss up until that point, I knew that setting a 10 pound weight loss goal with a deadline that many months away, that I wouldn't have to stress about it, starve myself or lose the weight in an unhealthy way. I knew that I could safely lose 10 pounds just by continuing what was clearly working for me. 

Last week, 6 days before my birthday, I stepped on the scale to see where I was at and to my delight, I was only 1 pound away from my goal-totally doable! I have never been one to spend a lot of time on the scale, which started as a way to ignore the fact that I was steadily gaining weight, but has become a way to not get too caught up in what is in fact, just a number. Now, some people probably think I shouldn't be bragging about being 150 pounds, but for me that is a healthy weight. I have officially crossed from "overweight" into the "normal" BMI range for my height, and I am the strongest and healthiest I have been since high school, when I still wasn't stick thin.

When I turned 21, I was not at my heaviest, but I certainly wasn't 150 pounds anymore. I was aware that I had gained weight, and true to my gender stereotype I lied about my weight when I got my new license. "Of course everything is the same!" was my way of not dealing with my weight gain, until the day I saw that 200 pound mark, my clothes weren't fitting and I was just not myself. It was time to make some changes.

I am really proud of myself for all the mini milestones I met along the way, but mostly that I not only set a realistic goal, but I followed through and met it by the deadline.

Everyone's journey is different, some people need that constant scale check to keep them in line, some people need to take selfies along the way to document their journey, and others need someone to kick them in the ass to make lifestyle changes, but everyone can do it. Seriously, small goals and little changes at a time build the foundation for full on lifestyle changes and healthy habits. 

Excuse me while I go high five the DMV clerk and smile as cheesy as possible, 26 isn't half bad!

Pictures in order: 17, 21, 23, 24 and 25 (almost 26)

A pooch, 2 pussies, and a whole lot of lady love: Our 2013 in review

This will be our first ever co-authored blog post, so bear with us as we review the last year and give a little sneak peak into our upcoming year. We both feel that 2013 was a whirlwind of fun, excitement, struggles and a whole lot of firsts for us. To spare you from reading 2 separate blog posts, that would probably mirror each other (cause love and shit) we decided to double team and tackle it all in one space. As if our Facebook posts and photos didn't induce enough vomiting already, you better hang on to your dinner ladies and gents because here's one more reason to get your gag reflex going. 

Jackie here.
Looking back at 2013, I remember sitting down 366 days ago and deciding there would be no resolutions or goals for the next year, but just a plan to approach it with a good attitude and make it my happiest, healthiest and most alive year yet. I started a book and this blog to document my struggles, victories and experiences. I celebrated my 25th birthday with my sister in law with a "25 and alive" quarter century birthday bash, established a surprising connection with an acquaintance that would turn into the love of my life, came out to my family, made some new friends, said goodbye to some friends, and made good memories with some of the best friends a girl could ask for, shaved half of my head, transferred to day shift after 3 and half years on midnight shift, wrecked my car (first accident and first ticket all in one), passed the 45 pound weight loss mark, flew in an airplane for the first time, experienced Vegas and Rollercon for the first time,  played a whole bunch of roller derby, secured my first "Most Valuable" anything award for jamming and then later in the year, blocking in 2 separate bouts, experienced my first real roller derby injury to my knee, struggled with stomach issues most of the year, and played some rec league softball in the summer and fall. As an added bonus I learned just how gassy Cecil is, and the key to knowing a toot has arrived is a series of giggles from one or both of us. I feel like 2013 was my strongest year yet, I really found myself and got to a place where happiness was my main emotion. Sure there were struggles, but nothing that I couldn't handle. My inner voice and my outer being are finally in sync, and I am looking forward to rolling all of that over into 2014.  Now, on to my leading lady's stuff.

It's true.  I fart.  A LOT.  And I uncontrollably giggle about it every time.  Yes, I am five years old sometimes.  Anyway, as for me, I completed my sixth Beachbody program with T25, moved into the country but did not eat any peaches, said goodbye to all the wheaty goodness to support my love's unfortunate health issues, played on a big gay WINNING softball team, hit my 90 pound weight loss mark, unexpectedly lost the light of my life (my dog Miko), celebrated my brother's homecoming after a year in hospital care, got to visit back home two whole times instead of just the one, celebrated my final year in MTV's target demographic, moved away from the comfort of my bestie and roomie of four years, took up boxing, and my biggest, most rewarding accomplishment of the year:  I asked out the girl of my dreams, who I thought I had no chance in hell with but decided to, for once in my life, stop being a gigantic scared wienie and at least try.  Turns out when you lose your wiener some amazing things happen.

Clearly each of us experienced individual ups and downs throughout the year, but 2013 was mostly filled with learning how to navigate life as a couple. When you take two of the strongest, most stubborn personalities on Earth and stick them together you are bound to have one interesting year full of discovery, from learning what makes each other tick to just plain ticking each other off.  2013 has also been a year full of fast, fierce love.  Last year we discovered a new church together that we absolutely love.  Unfortunately it's 45 minutes away, but we enjoy taking Sunday roadtrips together whenever possible for our favorite 30/30 coffee and some time with little baby Jesus.  We experienced Chicago PRIDE together, both of us having way too much fun with Jackie taking candy from strangers--pardon me, I was just informed it was Jello Jigglers shots--and me pulling my infamous Cecil dash and going drunk solo clubbing and almost getting left behind.  Jackie dropped the L bomb on accident, we moved in to the perfect country home together just past the classic U Haul time period and did the best we could to mesh our two completely different ecclectic styles, learned three things that did not mesh well together (my two cats and Jackie's dog), met each other's totally weird families and friends, had to completely change our diets to gluten free due to health issues and learned just how challenging that can be, completed a Beachbody program together (T25), and did nothing less than support each other to continue healthy lifestyles.  We learned how to disagree with each other in a respectful manner but at the same time vowed to never stop showing our love for one another, whether it be sending each other a text, placing a card in a totally random spot for the other to find, or writing in our 'love note book,' which some of those writings made it to giant canvases on our bedroom wall (GAY!).

Woah! Enough about the past, here comes the future...
We are looking forward to our 1 year anniversary in February, where we will cash in my Christmas gift from Cecil by spending an amazing weekend in Chicago and seeing one of our favorite performers, Karmin at the House of Blues. We just kicked off our 2nd BeachBody fitness program together, p90x3. We are both looking forward to smashing more health and wellness goals, shifts in extra curricular priorities, potential relocation to experience a different part of the country together, and continuing our journey of being healthy, happy and alive (and in love!). Neither of us made solid 2014 resolutions, but will both be continuing our efforts to improve ourselves and our relationship. Sure as shit there will be more ups and downs, but stock up on your Pepto kids because this vomit inducing couple will continue to share it all.