I once heard a quote that Benjamin Franklin was credited for saying, "The Constitution does not guarantee happiness, only the right to pursue it. You have to catch up with it yourself."
I like to think of myself as a law abiding citizen, a rule follower if you will. I only ever got 1 detention in school, I only really got in trouble once as a teenager, I've had only 1 ticket in the last 9 years of having a license and I went through traffic school and court supervision to get it removed from my record. At work, there are rules and procedures that are made for following and that's how I choose to work and train new employees. So our founding fathers penned in the pursuit of happiness as part of our country's foundation, but what does that even mean?
I grew up in a happy home, with a loving family. We may not have had a lot of money, but what we lacked in the financial department we made up in love and fun. I honestly have no complaints about my childhood, my parents did the best they could with what they had and we never suffered emotionally for not having all the latest and greatest things. My parents instilled in me at a very young age that I could honestly do whatever I put my mind to, and they also pushed the importance of doing what is right, treating others with respect and never giving up. That last one proved to be kind of a bitch at times, once we committed to something there was no quitting early and they stuck to that rule. Overall though, my parents built a pretty happy foundation for me to go out into the real world with.
Sometimes I do think my parents set me up for failure with some of their life lessons, such as "treat others the way you want to be treated", or the amount of trust I have in others is often one that gets frustrating. Not many "others" were raised this way, and I have learned the hard way that both of these characteristics I possess will let me down more often than not.
When I look back at who I was a few years ago, I wasn't pursuing happiness. I was simply coasting through life, not putting 100% into my jobs or my relationships. I let my health and fitness become unimportant. I've always had a bitchface for things I don't like, but I honestly believe I had my bitchface on for no reason for a few years. I wasn't aware that I wasn't pursuing happiness, which led to a pretty blah Jackie.
The day I found out there was a roller derby team starting in Bloomington, I was instantly intrigued and had to know more. I was in a pretty shitty place at the time, but I was really excited to get out of my house and do something new. I was waitressing and bartending, barely scraping by and pretty grumpy about it. The first few months of derby, I saved every extra penny I could to buy my first set of gear. I would hang out in Bloomington after my shift until practice, to save gas. Around the time my first set of gear and skates arrived, I got a new job at Du Pont. I was able to afford having just 1 job for the first time since I was 15. That time in my life is kind of a blur, but when I look back it is the first glimpse of happy in a pretty gloomy time. For the first time in a while, I was excited for something. I was learning a new sport, meeting new people and enjoying my new job. It was around that time that I started to realize just how gloomy life had been before. I have never been the kind of person that gets depressed or wallows in self pity, but I was definitely a bland version of the happy, positive person I am inside.
I am feeling like a ray of fucking sunshine lately and it feels pretty damn amazing. I have to thank the MissFits for helping me store that bitchface away for only occasional use, sure I still put it on but it isn't my go to face anymore. I am surrounded by positivity, I have an amazing support system and I am so appreciative of the people in my life that honestly want what's best for me. My family and the pre-derby friends that have stuck by my side are the bees-fucking-knees. I am pursuing happiness, I make a conscious effort to find good in every day. I beat cancer again, I lost 30 pounds, I started over and picked up the pieces on my own, I have improved my derby game, I have some amazing friends. It's nice to have so many reasons to go to bed smiling every day.
I am happy, healthy, alive and looking forward to what this crazy life has in store for me.
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