If you have known me a long time, you have probably never seen me "skinny". I was called "thunder thighs" by the nurse in the delivery room when I was born, I had rolls of fat on my legs and arms as a toddler, and I have always had some serious cheeks on my face. As a kid, I was not fat by any means but I definitely wasn't malnourished, nor did I ever look it. I was an active kid, and once I found sports there was no stopping me. I NEVER enjoyed running, but I found a lot of other physical activities that I did enjoy. I played sports year round in junior high and high school. In high school I had a healthy body image, I was not a skinny girl, but I was fit.
Becoming an adult took a toll on my body, I stopped playing sports which had always been my physical outlet, and started working full time while going to school full time. I never gained a lot of weight at one time, it was just a gradual thing- a few pounds each year. I noticed, and I tried to make healthy choices but overall I wasn't burning the calories I was taking in and I didn't have time to cook healthy meals most days or hit the gym hard.
In high school, I wore size 11 jeans and medium shirts. Over time, I slowly worked my way up to size 15 jeans, and large tshirts, XL ladies fit shirts. I obviously became frustrated anytime I had to shop for clothes, but it wasn't until I stepped on a scale one day (which isn't a big habit of mine) and the number about knocked me on my ass. 196 pounds?! How did I gain 46 pounds in the course of 5-6 years? How was I going to prevent that number from crossing into that next century of weight gain? I absolutely could not let that scale tip 200, so I started that day. I stopped taking my birth control, which seemed to always have health side effects I didn't like and I attributed some of my weight gain to the kind I was on, it was not a low estrogen dose. I got my grocery shopping organized, went to the store with a plan and started making healthier choices in every day foods. Higher protein, lower calorie, huge reduction in processed meals. I realized that I was relying on my 3 roller derby practices a week to be my only source of physical activity, so I started a gym membership and made friends with the elliptical. I started with the fat burn program, and a low level and worked my way up from 20 minutes to 30 minutes. Once I was hitting the 2 mile mark at 30 minutes, I upped the level a little bit and over time I continue to up the level as I start to see a plateau in how fast I get to 2 miles or the amount of calories I burn. At first, I would do the elliptical and go home, baby steps.
I started to notice that my clothes were fitting better, and I felt like I had more endurance at derby- both huge motivators to me, so I pushed even harder. I started trying out other machines, and looking for workouts online that would target my stubborn areas. A group of MissFits all started going to the same gym, and found the buddy system was a great motivator. At first, we would just do the old check in, and hold each other accountable for making it to the gym but focus on our own workouts. Over time, we started trying machines out and pushing each other to go harder or a little longer. I used to think of my workout time as a way to retreat and just focus on me, but I am finding that these bitches motivate me to push myself or try things I normally wouldn't do. Rope machine?! Ok, we'll try it for 30 seconds...which was tough at first! Now we have increased the tension, and the reps and it isn't getting easier, we are getting stronger. Stair machine?! Climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower?! What? Alright bitches, let's do this! Wall climbers?! Don't play like that, I'm going to fall on my head! Nope! I can do them, I can get my chest all the way against the wall, and I can do more than 1!
I will never be a skinny girl, and I'm not interested in that whatsoever. You know what I'm interested in? Fitting back in clothes from high school, being able to complete my derby skills to the best of my ability and always improving those timed laps. I enjoy seeing lower numbers on the scale, that I still don't get on that often. The actual number isn't that important to me, seeing the results in the mirror and in the improvements in my strength are important to me. I feel healthier, I look healthier and I'm not stopping anytime soon. Do I still make poor food choices sometimes? Of course! I'm not trying to starve myself, I just try to make healthy choices MOST of the time, so I don't feel so guilty about enjoying myself occasionally.
Here's the real bitch slap I am dealing with right now though, I am having stomach issues that even put me out of commission physically for a week- I felt so weak when I got back to my routine. I have been to the doctor, and I have more tests scheduled but my doctor told me last week that losing as much weight as I have, could have been what kick started the stomach problems I am having. Even my GI specialist said it doesn't make sense, but that it is known to happen. Let me get this straight, I have lost 20% of my body weight by making healthy choices and my body is reacting negatively? That's the dumbest shit I have ever heard, but I'm not going to let it stop me from sticking with my healthy choices, I just wish my whole body could feel as amazing as my brain feels about this lifestyle change.
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